Feeds: 
symbol identifies content for paid subscribers only.
LET THERE BE CLICHE.
This morning, the Washington Post ran an op-ed begging GM not to discontinue the poor-selling Hummer because its existence is important to the survival of American masculinity. Bad enough, right? Wait till you read it. It's got a Cliche Density Index not seen outside of the National Preteen Goth Poetry Semifinals. Some selections:
When General Motors announced that it would subject its Hummer division to what in the automotive business is known as a "review," you could hear the tree huggers, the unreconstructed hippies, the postmodern Greens, Al Gore's organic peanut gallery, every single customer at the Pasadena Whole Foods and the United Prius Owners of America shove aside their alfalfa sprouts and commence clapping.[...]Put aside that no one actually eat alfalfa sprouts, least of all the portly, 6'2" Al Gore. Put aside that Arugula is now the accepted edible designator of liberal elitism. Put aside the sad vision of the emasculated American male, who can only recapture his power by owning a somewhat larger automobile than is normal. Put aside the bizarre line that paints guys who dismiss climate change as solutions-oriented problem solvers. Just focus in on the writing. This has to be a parody, right?America needs the Hummer to remind us of what has always made our automobiles stand out, from the tailfin 1950s to the muscle car 1960s and '70s: swagger. Americans don't just drive their cars -- they proclaim something about themselves by driving them. [...]
It takes a certain kind of man -- it's almost always the owner of a Y chromosome -- to take a gander at the Hummer, in all its broad, burly, paramilitary gas-guzzling glory, and see himself behind the wheel, striking fear and loathing in the hearts of ecologically sensitive motorists. Oprah does not drive a Hummer.[...]
The Hummer appeals to large men of even larger ego, men who aren't worried about their carbon footprint and believe that obstacles in life are meant not just to be surmounted but squashed flat.[...]
GM has hinted that, alternatively, it may convert the gas hog to hybrid status. But that would be like putting Rottweilers on a diet of celery and watermelon ("Let sip the dogs of war!").[...]
This is what GM owes us, and what the company owes itself -- a ridiculous machine crammed with emotional content...Now, more than ever, we need Hummer, in all its defiant, obnoxious, thoroughly American glory.
COMMENTS (26)
It's just bad, Ezra. If it's meant to be vaguely ironic, it fails. If it's meant to be provocative, it fails. It's a bad troll.
Posted by: pseudonymous in nc | July 12, 2008 1:51 PM
Sorry but most of the Hummer drivers I see are 5' 100 lb. soccer moms dropping the kids off at the neighborhood school while blocking the street.
Posted by: bemused | July 12, 2008 2:00 PM
Almost everyone I ever met who had a Hummer was an independent contractor or business owner and got a tax writeoff for it.
Posted by: me2i81 | July 12, 2008 2:02 PM
If the demise of the Hummer as a consumer vehicle prevents American men from expressing their manliness, they can always join the Army - plenty of opportunities to drive manly Hummers in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Posted by: CParis | July 12, 2008 2:04 PM
The same author wrote about the benefits of Zipcars/Flexcars last year. I think it's an attempt at parody, an unsuccessful attempt at parody.
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/opinion/viewpoints/stories/DN-debord_17edi.ART.State.Edition1.36b9523.html
Posted by: Brian | July 12, 2008 2:05 PM
Makes me glad to see both GM and the WP fail:
http://finance.google.com/finance?q=wpo%2Cgm&hl=en
Posted by: Chris | July 12, 2008 2:06 PM
The current thinking is that it's poorly executed parody:
http://www.sadlyno.com/archives/9846.html
Posted by: dallas | July 12, 2008 2:31 PM
I eat alfalfa sprouts. They're good on roast beef sandwiches with spicy mustard. Really.
Posted by: Bloix | July 12, 2008 2:39 PM
The first Google result for Matthew DeBord is on The Nation's site.
Posted by: digamma | July 12, 2008 3:21 PM
Here in Syria, there are two types of people driving Hummers: the scions top .0002% of the population absorbing 99% of the GDP, and Gulfies in town to whore.
American as apple pie.
Posted by: Serx | July 12, 2008 4:20 PM
You know what I find interesting?
That Ezra regards the Nat'l Preteen Goth Poetry Semis as having a higher cliche density than the Finals.
Presumably, the semis have not yet weeded out the hackneyed pretenders who are still using the Goth-O-Matic Poetry Generator on their iPhones. But by the time the Finals have rolled around the DarkRaven's and the Transylvania Tim's are churning out thoughtful, innovative pieces.
Posted by: wonky | July 12, 2008 4:59 PM
It could be a failed attempt at parody. It could also be the equivalent of "falling on a grenade." He's trying to make an asinine argument in favor of the Hummer, showing everyone how stupid the Hummer is, and accepting the consequence of being a target of ridicule for saying such stupid things.
Posted by: Tyro | July 12, 2008 5:34 PM
A better ironic argument for Hummers -- the H1 rather than the steroidal GMC variants -- would be that they bring home the sacrifice of troops riding around Sadr City in the same vehicle.
What better way to support the troops than to ride around in the same vehicles as them?
Posted by: pseudonymous in nc | July 12, 2008 6:54 PM
It's not that bad; he's just playing with boundaries, rubbing ideologies against each other in order to juxtapose ironic heat with objective cool. And the Dallas News article (link above) is certainly a straight up assessment of the inevitability of collective transport, no ironic chaser. As far as this article goes, it is possible, after all, to appositively hold two (or more) opposing or (seemingly) mutually exclusive ideas; some might say this is the essence of great literature, genius, or the human condition. One can see hubris and tragedy as well as the human frailty and desperate striving implicit in such tragic self confidence.
Posted by: Conrad's Ghost | July 12, 2008 7:27 PM
Just wait for the first group of tree hugging liberals trapped by a rockslide and the rescuers try to get to them in a Prius.
The hospitals where I live all have emergency lists for who should be able to provide help in an emergency, hurricane, tornado, etc. One of the requirements is that you have a truck or SUV that can actually make it the hospital or triage centers.
Maybe we should make those lists with just people with subcompacts. Afterall, we wouldn't want to harm the environment...
If your child is injured and needs emergency help in a life and death situation, would you prefer the transportation was a smart car or a Hummer.
Posted by: Anonymous | July 13, 2008 6:33 AM
He forgot to mention that indescribable feeling the Hummer driver gets when parks the car, just barely fitting himself between the yellow lines, forcing them to flex a little to admit him. And he looks at all the other cars, too small to fill their own parking spaces, and smirks his secret smirk.
Posted by: Stuart Eugene Thiel | July 13, 2008 8:25 AM
I see plenty of Hummers parked at my local Whole Foods.
Posted by: bdbd | July 13, 2008 8:53 AM
I see plenty of Hummers parked at my local Whole Foods.
Ha! I wonder if we go to the same Whole Foods,, or if this is a common phenomenon.
Posted by: kaybeel | July 13, 2008 10:29 AM
Just wait for the first group of tree hugging liberals trapped by a rockslide and the rescuers try to get to them in a Prius.
One might note the distinct lack of Hummers being used among park rangers for their emergency vehicles. And the national guard uses actual Humvees, rather than the fake version produced by GM. Which is, precisely the reason that Hummers are so mockable: they serve little practical purpose compared to their alternatives and are a suburban vehicle of choice rather than the sort of thing that would be chosen by the people who live in the isolated areas you fantasize about living in. But since you'd like to fantasize you live in such a place, you'd get a Hummer, rather than the actual sort of vehicle that locals involved in emergency services in isolated areas would choose.
I see plenty of Hummers parked at my local Whole Foods.
The Hummer is an SUV which is very expensive compared to the comparable alternatives, to the point where it's more of a prestige purpose rather than something that gives you good value for your money. Which is exactly the same thing that could be said about the products at Whole Foods. So it doesn't surprise me that Hummer buyers and Whole Foods shoppers overlap. They have similar consumer habits.
Posted by: Tyro | July 13, 2008 11:20 AM
If your child is injured and needs emergency help in a life and death situation, would you prefer the transportation was a smart car or a Hummer.
This is exactly why I keep a stockpile of at least 15-20 Ak-47's, M-16's and RPG's around. You never know when the Mexican/Soviet army is going to invade!
Posted by: DMonteith | July 13, 2008 11:25 AM
The same guy did an op-ed saying Petraeus wears too many ribbons. That got Newsbusters mad.
Posted by: Kyle | July 13, 2008 12:25 PM
Klein: "This has to be a parody, right?"
says at the bottom the author is "a writer in Los Angeles," so yeah, it must be.
Posted by: raft | July 13, 2008 5:56 PM
This afternoon I saw an amazing H2, decked out in chrome, big wheels and tires, mucho dinero spent to make it what it is. Driven by a young, and smallish, Hispanic dude, not a big, muscular, blonde haired and blue eyed 'Murican Man.
Posted by: Jack | July 13, 2008 7:10 PM
This is borderline hate speech. The entire thesis is pure dislike for liberals (Tangent: how do we refer to this group as a culture? Blue-Staters? "People Who Like Stuff White People Like?"), and a desire to support things solely on the basis of this dislike.
More importantly: alfalfa sprouts are *fantastic* as a sandwich topping. I'm particularly fond of them with turkey.
Posted by: Anthony Damiani | July 14, 2008 4:33 AM
Another vote in favor of alfalfa sprouts as a sandwich topping. Black forest ham, swiss cheese, and atomic hot mustard for preference.
But then again, I don't drive a Hummer, so what do I know?
Posted by: cminus | July 14, 2008 9:45 AM
Still, you have to give him credit for one absolutely stellar idea -- we need to get Oprah a Hummer, stat!!!
Posted by: Brian | July 14, 2008 11:35 AM