ADVICE FOR IGNORANT EAST-COAST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. As a native Iowan, I found this article following Giuliani on the trail in Iowa flat-out hilarious. I am motivated by sheer pity to offer some tips for the former New York mayor -- and anyone else who has never made it further inland than the New Jersey state line (except for that one time you had a layover in Chicago! or something) -- who may find him or herself having to interact with people who don't really know or care much about the Eastern seaboard.

• Don't imply that any NYC borough -- or the suburbs -- are anything like rural Iowa:

  “Oh, I’m not going to forget the little guy anywhere,” Mr. Giuliani assured Mrs. Schuler. “When I got elected mayor of New York City, I didn’t forget anybody. The place that kind of won the election for me was Staten Island. It’s the closest thing that New York City has to — I wouldn’t call it rural, but suburbs.”

  He paused as these seven Iowa voters looked quizzically at the famous guest in their midst



• Don't wear your Sunday (er, daily) best to the local "family restaurant":
  

  As Mr. Giuliani moved on to the next table, Mrs. Thomsen whispered a mischievous aside: “I had hoped he would not show up in a suit-coat, because this is not a suit-coat community in August.” (Mr. Giuliani was not exactly decked in a suit, but his crisp shirt and handsome power tie made him stand out in a sweltering room of jeans and short-sleeve shirts.)



• Don't let on that you're puzzled by a rivalry between the football teams of the two largest universities in a state where there's no professional sports team:
  

  He moved on to ask for an explanation of “how does it break down between Iowa and Iowa State,” as he tried to fathom the legendary rivalry between the two university football teams.



• Don't pretend to be impressed by cornfields. And don't try to fake knowledge about farming.
  

  “I called my wife this morning and I said, ‘Judith, I never have seen more corn in my life.’ You know the median, where they put the grass in the middle? There’s a lot of room there to put some more corn in. I don’t know why they haven’t done it.”

  He paused. “When do you start the picking and the harvesting? Starts pretty soon, right?”

  Silence.

  “November,” a woman answered. “End of October, November.”



• Don't try to relate to small-towners experiencing a brownout by talking about how you fear rioting in such a situation:
  

  Similarly, when the power went out in Cumberland, Mr. Giuliani talked about the blackouts in New York City and boasted how he led the city through those dark hours without there being looting or rioting. “Blackouts were one of my biggest fears as mayor,” he said. “It used to be in the old days when it happened, we would have a riot.”



• Do not, under any circumstances, make references to elite East Coast universities.
  

  “Aren’t these questions great?” he said as he got up to leave the diner here. “This is terrific. We could be at the Kennedy School of Government.”

Does the man have no advisors who have lived in the middle part of the country?

And please, no stupid jokes about Clinton, Iowa. Believe it or not, we've heard those before.

--Ann Friedman